my social commentary on the three tiers

What tier are you on?  Do you have an h or j extender?  No, this isn’t some jargon for architecture or engineering.  It’s my own made-up language for different steps in life.  Tiers are - of course - the different milestones in life that people reach.  They include such things as graduating from high school or college, getting a job, getting to sit at the adult table at Thanksgiving, etcetera.  Of course through all the accomplishments we can really narrow it down to three tiers and two extenders.  Tiers in American life are the staples to existence.  They are what make people, people.  They are what set us apart from other people.  The tiers are as follows (and I don’t think there will be any surprises): singleness, marriage, and children.  The extenders?  They don’t define a person completely, but instead can set someone apart from another person.  The h extender is for house, as in The American Dream.  The j extender is for job, as in “I have a really great, prestigious, and/or well paying job”.  Therefore, if person a is married and person b is married, but person b also has a higher paying job we therefore can conclude that person b is higher up in tiers.  This is at the heart of being green with envy – this is at the heart of American culture.

The tiers start with singleness.   Why?  Because that is where everyone starts.  And we all know we can’t move up at the adult table at Thanksgiving until there is someone serious in our life.  It doesn’t matter if we are twenty or forty we will be sitting with the seven and nine year olds until we are in a relationship.  Singles are at the bottom.  It’s almost a lower tier of civilization or an under-developed country.  For example, the industrial revolution is less advanced then the modern age, or because America has golden roads and cars to drive them on we are more civilized than other countries.  That doesn’t make us more civilized of course, but that is not the point.

Singles are friends with singles.  Well, until a single is no longer a single when they become married.  Then they are on to tier two: marriage.  In between singleness and marriage for many people is often an in-between phase: engagement.  It can be hours and sometimes years, but most of the time it is just months.  Engagement makes singles extremely jealous and married people only look down on the wishful couple with contempt (and jealousy for their “new” love).  It’s tier one, like elementary school is before high school.  And once we are in high school we don’t dream about what we learned in elementary school.  We look at how easy and simple it was in elementary school – and how difficult and demanding life is now in high school.  The singles rarely mingle with the married people.  The phrase “the third wheel” wasn’t coined for nothing.  They can try of course and some of them do, but in the end the groups are too divided.  If the singles don’t move up into the next phase they will just fall behind, and be left down in the lower social Darwinism tiers.

Alas, most people avoid this fate eventually by getting married and moving into phase two.  By moving into phase two there is the instant gratification of knowing that now you have surpassed the singles in tier one.  The legal paper now states that you somehow know more about relationships and what it means to be in a real committed relationship.  The tier brings a notch of pride.  You now cast off your single friends or persuade them that they too should get married soon, and now make completely new friends who are also at tier two.  Now only married people are good enough.  After a brief high, though, and finally “making it” to tier two, there is the sudden realization that all your new married friends (or now old single friends now married) are moving on to tier three and leaving you behind.  Now the baby-makers in stage three are no longer friends with you and are instead making friends with other baby-makers. 

The stage once loathed and avoided at all costs by singles is now being enviously looked upon.  Once tier three is complete everyone is looking up to you.  All knowledge about everything is known.  There are also two additional semi-tiers that can add to your tiers.  At anytime in the three tiers, owning a home or having a job with status raises you above others in your own tier, and in many cases, can even raise you above people in other tiers. 

Now that I’ve established the tiers, I should state that I’ve seen first-hand tiers one and two.  I’m sure you’ve at least experienced some of the scenarios I’ve described above.  It makes sense that as you move through the various tiers – or backtrack – you find yourself relating most closely with others on the same tier.  They alone know how it feels to deal with the difficulties that accompany singleness, the challenges unique to marriage, or the fears and joys of becoming a parent.  So, embrace the tier you are on.  And try not to let the green-eyed monster get you down or up.

Written in conjunction with Jess