this drink you are about to consume is hot

Caution: the beverage you are about to consume is HOT! Yup, it’s true that when you don’t order iced coffee you should expect it to be hot. But of course we live in a world where someone can win a lawsuit for dumping hot coffee all over themselves and being rewarded money from the company because the cup did not say, “Caution: the beverage you are about to consume is HOT!”
It got me wondering. What other products could I stop using my brain stop using common sense and be rewarded money for the consequences?
Here’s my list:
Those pesky toothpicks in your sandwich. How has someone not sued over this yet? A sharp object plunged into your food to keep it together. The brown of the wood usually blends in with the brown of the sandwich bread. And the little color at the top of many toothpicks is hardly an indicator that there is a sharp object in my food. This seems to be a total oversight by the toothpick companies. I recommend that they start printing on their toothpicks, “Caution: Do not eat me.”

And what about some decent signage while merging onto the highway? Why hasn’t anyone sued over this? On the Cape the on-ramps to the highway are twisted just right so that cars are unable to build up enough speed to really merge onto the highway at a safe speed that is comparable to that of the highway traffic. Many times cars are merging at 30 mph and immediately merging onto the highway instead of building speed in the merge lane before merging onto the highway. This causes many drivers to dangerously slam on their brakes or swerve into the other lane to avoid a crash. Clearly, if someone is trying to merge onto a highway at 30 mph they don’t realize that they are actually entering one. Perhaps they have lost their way. Signs should be posted stating, “Highway – Caution!”

There are a lot of bald men walking around. Many of those men have tried products to try and grow the hair they have lost. Of course we all know that it doesn’t work. How do we know? Well, we wouldn’t see so many bald men if it worked. Why hasn’t anyone sued over this? There isn’t a disclaimer similar to those on psychic commercials that state at the bottom, “For entertainment purposes only.” Why not have the same disclaimer at the bottom of the hair products and for the commercials on television?
Gas stations seem to be a hot bed for stupidity. I’m not sure what people are thinking when they pull up to a gas pump with a lit cigarette and then continue to handle gasoline. Sometimes you see signs that say “no smoking”. But maybe people don’t understand why they shouldn’t be smoking. I figure that instead gas stations should be posting big signs with images of fire and explosions and in big bold letters that say, “Smoking Causes Explosions”.

Speaking of unhealthy habits. You never see any warning signs posted at fast food restaurants. Nothing that says, “these foods are unhealthy” or “warning: these food may clog arteries and cause heart attacks”. There aren’t even calorie counts on foods that have hundreds of calories, or notes about how much fat, sodium, or cholesterol is in each item. The only thing that is listed, of course, is the low price that beats out the prices of the fruits and vegetables of the grocery store next door.

Hot beverages already have a warning. What about cold beverages? I mean, if when we order a hot coffee we need a little warning on it that says the beverage is hot, why not have a warning that says the beverage is cold when we order a cold beverage? Imagine the potential of people suing coffee shops when they spill an iced coffee all over themselves and discover that not only is the beverage cold, but wet. Their two hundred dollar suit or dress is now covered in coffee and now they are cold and wet. My recommendation? They should add to cold beverages, “The beverage you are about to enjoy is cold and wet.”

Finally, everyone has one of the most powerful tools on earth. I urge everyone to “Use them at your own risk.”